Here’s why I’m not dating

Because people keep asking

On Saturday I went to get my hair cut. I’d been in the chair for five minutes when my hairdresser asked me, hopefully, if I’d started dating yet. He asks me this question roughly every three months, and every time I say no he looks disappointed. He’s been cutting my hair for a decade and, in that time, we’ve discussed his various relationships and situationships at length – but I never have anything juicy to contribute to the conversation. He obviously finds this concerning. He tells me to go for it. He says that I should think about myself, prioritise my own needs, put myself first. When I tell him that’s exactly what I’m doing, he looks confused. 

The same thing happens when I catch up with friends I haven’t seen for a while. It never takes long for them to ask if I’m on the apps, and if not, why not. Married friends are the most invested – keen to know what it’s like to be single after almost 20 years in a relationship. Single friends tend to fall into two camps: some, like me, aren’t interested in dating. Or, as is more often the case – particularly if they have children – aren’t ready. Others, mainly those who have been single for longer than me, are resigned – they date for a while, get fed up and have a break, then start again. It doesn’t look like much fun. 

Studies suggest that my disinterest in dating isn’t unusual – in fact, I’m bang on trend. Researchers at the University of Toronto found that women are, on average, happier being single than men. Last year, the #boysober trend swept TikTok, as thousands of women posted videos explaining why they had given up on ‘toxic’ dating apps. Then there’s the 4B movement. This fringe feminist movement was founded in South Korea, and is based on rejecting the traditional expectations of women, namely marriage, childbirth, dating and heterosexual sex, all of which start with the Korean language term ‘bi’. In 2019, a Pew Research Center survey found that only 38% of single women are currently looking for a relationship or dates, compared to 61% of men. By 2022, the percentage of women interested in dating had dropped to 35%. 

The last time I went on a date it was 2002. Tony Blair was Prime Minister, Will Young won Pop Idol, The Osbournes was on TV, Britney and Justin had just broken up, and Ben Affleck was voted Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine. I wore low-rise jeans, sometimes with a visible thong. It was a very different time. 

Dating was fairly new to me back then. I’d had serious boyfriends since the age of 16, and, aged 29, I was more-or-less single for the first time in my adult life. I was living in London in the Sex and the City era, when we all believed that serial dating was just about the most fun you could have. And I did have a lot of fun back then – even when I didn’t, I got some very funny stories out of it. 

But the dating landscape has changed since then – and so have I. 

In 2002, I knew what I wanted: to fall in love, start a family, settle down. 

In 2025, I don’t really know what I want. But I have a pretty good idea of what I don’t want – and therein lies the issue.