The curse of the competent woman

Are you too good for your own good?

Image: ABC Television

Often it seems as if the world is full of tired, overwhelmed, overworked women complaining that they have to do everything themselves. It happens at work, it happens at home, it happens in families and friendship groups – and it happens every time an event has to be booked, planned or organised. It happens to most women at one time or another, but it happens to some women all of the time. 

And it turns out there’s a name for this affliction: the curse of the competent woman. 

Ironically, I was unaware that this was even A Thing until I read an interview with the actor Susan Sarandon in The Times a couple of months ago. Reflecting on her tendency to take care of people and situations, Sarandon said: “It’s really reassuring for me and it’s, you know, the curse of the competent woman. You get used to doing it and you do it well.”

Of course, while competent women make things look easy, it’s not easy to be a competent woman. It’s exhausting. And it’s not always easy to live or work with one, either. 

Sarandon readily admits that her capable attitude has impacted her past relationships. Even if you don’t recognise this type of woman in your own family – if not as a partner, parent, child or sibling, then look to the family matriarch, whether that’s a grandmother or an aunt – you’ve probably encountered her at work. Most of us have had (often, female) managers who refuse to delegate because they’re so certain it’s quicker, easier and better to just do the job themselves. As the saying goes, if you want something done, ask a busy woman to do it.

This isn’t an ideal situation for anyone: it’s draining for the person who feels they have to do everything, and demoralising for those in their orbit who feel that they’re never quite up to scratch. 

Once established, this pattern of behaviour is hard to break. Just like the (really unpleasant) boiling frog analogy, the curse of the competent woman creeps up on you so gradually that you’re unlikely to notice what’s happening until your to-do list is a mile long, your energy levels are at rock bottom – and you feel trapped by your many responsibilities, both big and small. 

For this reason, ‘the curse’ hits hardest in midlife, when many women are busy juggling a career and domestic duties with caring responsibilities – either for children, ageing parents, or both. This is also the point at which the competent woman is most likely to realise what’s at the root of the problem: she’s sharing her life with a wilfully incompetent man.